Phoenix:Kerry & Edwards Plans While in Town This Week for the Debate
by D.N.C.
Monday, Oct. 11, 2004 at 8:10 AM
In an effort to bolster support during their upcoming visit to Arizona, the Kerry/Edwards campaign has announced a slate of appearances to embolden themselves to Arizona voters.
PRESS RELEEASE FROM THE DNC - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
PHOENIX, Oct. 11 -- In an effort to bolster support during their upcoming visit to Arizona, the Kerry/Edwards campaign has announced a slate of appearances to embolden themselves to Arizona voters.
John Kerry will kick off the celebrations on Tue. by renting a jacked up monster truck, then driving it at 90 M.P.H. along the 202 during rush hour.
He will stop to sample fine regional cuisine with lunch at Filiberto's, hit some of the state's largest employers, strip clubs, to promote his healthcare plan, sing Karaoke in a sports bar, hit one of the local malls to stock up on the latest fashionable $60 T-shirts and $40 trucker hats, then it's off to one of the numerous "patio bars" to enjoy $2 Coronas, explaining his Iraq Plan while standing under a mister and gyrating to a DJ playing 50 cent's "It's your Birthday." He will court local male voters using phrases such as "S'up?," banging fists, then retiring in front of the bar's TV to catch SportsCenter while debating the issues most dear to Arizona men: Fantasy Leagues, automobiles and fantasy leagues.
John Edwards, meanwhile, will court the latino vote by shaving his head, donning a white T-shirt and low-riding baggy shorts, exposing his undies. He will then drive a $200 1973 Chevy equipped with a $900 sound system to play mariachi music at 150 decibles while handing out free Horchata at various Home Depot parking lots. Afterwards, at a Super Wal-Mart, he will outline the Kerry/Edwards Tax Cut Plan, a cornerstone of which being the $1,000 diaper credit for low income families having 6 or more children.
Theresa Heinz-Kerry, not to be outdone, will court the female Arizona voter. For this, she will visit a tanning salon, get a boob job, smoke 1,500 ciggies to get that sexy, rhaspy voice and then get a tattoo on her lower back that resembles something akin to a "packet of heinz ketchup being stepped on." She will then rent a Harley, tour cookie cutter new developments (all with beautiful travertine stone), before joining John to enjoy Jager shots while dancing on the bar and talking about relationships to her gal pals on her cell phone.
Elizabeth Edwards will also court the women's vote, visiting every happy hour in town, scarfing down 38 pounds of fried cheese until her body mass qualifies for statehood. She will then announce that if Kerry/Edwards win this Nov., all 1.6 million single moms in Arizona will get free bracelets from Tiffany's.
All four will meet the governor on Wed. to visit unique Arizona attractions such as the Papago Park Scenic Powerlines, the majestic canal waterways and Starbucks Franchise #9,834,227. Before the debate, Kerry/Edwards will also meet with all 27 native Arizonans to bitch about Californians and Mid-Westerners.
After the debate, Kerry/Edwards will take the 12-minute tour of Phoenix art and cultural institutions before boarding Southwest Flight 1762 to Tulsa.
